Ok so I know I took way too long to get to this but today is the day that I’m finally going to lay it all out there. All my weaknesses, my flaws, the things that I believe are shortcomings. The easiest way I can think to do this is as a serious brain dump. No planning, no structure. Just throwing it out for you all to see. And here it is…
- My biggest fear is having no identity. Having no personal significance. I’m terrified to my core of this
- I find myself to be really moody. I have moments of joy, followed by moments of being withdrawn, feelings of melancholy and despair. All in the span of a few minutes
- I’m scared of being ordinary
- I dread being emotionally cut off. All I want is to be told that I’m seen and loved for who I am. I’m always worried that other’s don’t appreciate my like I do.
- The idea that I am going to move away in a few months and no one is going to miss me or care that I am gone is an idea and fear that often cripples me
- I have this extreme need for admiration and appreciation. I fight to get away from it but is something that I love and brings me great joy
- I get really jealous. I get super jealous over people and my friends. I hate when I make a friend and then other people latch onto them as well. Or when they start spending a lot of time with other people. Especially when it looks like they enjoy the other people more or are closer with them
- It kills my confidence. Like was I not good enough for them?
- I have no problem with FOMO. I will gladly stay in alone but I have this desire for someone to tell me that I was missed or that they want me to come
- I struggle with the thought that when I’m not around, no one notices
Well that was a lot and I’m sure there are many more I can think of. These are honestly just the ones that are on my mind right now. I’m not sure how happy I am about putting this all out there but I’m going to do it. I’ve committed to it at this point and honestly I don’t think much bad can come of it. I’m all about honesty and transparency so I have to practice what I preach so to say.
Also I know I said that this was a two part series but I’ve decided to throw one more post into this series. I want to talk a little bit about how I’ve gotten confident enough now to put all this out there. It took a long time for me to get to this point but now that I am here I am extremely happy and extremely joyful and if I can help even just one of you get to that same point then it will be worth it. So be looking out for the last post in this series!
For now, hope you’re having a great day and I love you all!