The words you’re about to read have been on my mind for months. And it took a long time and a lot of trial and error to figure out how to put it into words that will make sense, so hopefully I succeeded in that…
I would describe myself as an optimist. I’m someone who chooses to live life looking forward to the good to come instead of the pain that potentially exists in the present. That said, even the most optimistic person in the world hits a wall sometimes. Sometimes there are moments of setback that we have to experience in order to launch even further forward. If ever there was a wall, or a setback, I’d say the year 2020 would qualify. This post is not to get into the details of the year, but what I will say is that the events of this year have brought out the worst in people. I do think we have a chance to course correct though.
I’ll be very honest and transparent with you guys here for a moment. I love people. I really do. There’s not a person that I meet that I don’t start out loving. What I don’t love is a lot of people’s behavior and actions. I think it’s extremely important at times that we disconnect behavior from the person. It’s important that we believe in people even if we can’t yet see the potential. The only problem with this is that it’s this belief that I have in people that is the source of so much of my sadness. I believe so much in people that it hurts when I see others drag each other down. It pains me when I hear people say hurtful things. My heart aches when I look at the world and see so much hate and division. It hurts every time someone judges another without truly getting to know them. I know people are better than this. I have to continue to believe that.
I may not have the decades of life experience that some others have but I don’t think it takes a genius to recognize that one of the biggest cancers in society is judgement. I mentioned it a few lines up and it’s the thing that I want to harp on here for a while. The worst thing we can do as humans is judge someone based on one thing they said, one thing they did, or what they look like. We often do it though. We judge them, label them and we put them in a box. We start creating a story for them instead of actually getting to know their story. Sometimes we meet people in a particular moment or stage in their life and stereotype them a certain way because of it. We’re so quick to judge. It’s our biggest flaw, and it tears us apart every day.
People judge and label others every day based on just little pieces of their lives. Things like who you voted for, the color of your skin, which school you go to, how much money you make, do you wear a mask or not, what are you wearing, and where you live. Now just think about yourself for a moment. How many of those things give a full picture of who you are as a human being? Get the point yet?
You can’t know someone’s entire story by just a few minute details. The irony of all ironies is that we all hate being judged for these little things yet we do it to others regularly. And I am not guilt free by any means.
The best thing I ever did to help my own growth in this area was to pick a few of those small details someone might see in me and try to put myself in the judges shoes. I asked myself, “if I knew nothing about Ross, what would I assume by just a few small details?” The detail I always come back to is the fact that I am clearly Asian. I am half Filipino whose mom was born in the Philippines. I was a very quiet kid in school. I played baseball and the piano. I went to a fairly southern preppy high school and then I went to college and I studied engineering.
So I decided that an innocent bystander is going to assume a few things. For starters, my dad is military because how else would he meet a Filipino woman? I grew up in a strict household where grades were of the utmost importance because again, Asian. Some may assume my parents are doctors or lawyers or that that is what I am expected to be. Many assume that I am very involved and connected in my Filipino culture and that I would have lots of Asian friends. Another assumption that many have especially in the society we live in today is that I am super understanding of the plight of people of color because well, I am one. And the list goes on.
The interesting thing about doing this exercise is that everything I mentioned up there is one hundred percent wrong. Well maybe except the grades part. My parents definitely cared about that one. But my dad is not military. I am so disconnected from Filipino culture you wouldn’t believe it. And when it comes to how much I understand the plight of people of color, I feel much more connected to the white community than I do any other.
I say all this to say that you don’t know anyone until you know them. My name is Ross. Yes I’m half Filipino. But I love country music. I almost exclusively grew up hanging out with white kids. I’m a sneakerhead who also plays the piano. Yes I can be pretty quiet but once you get to know me, I won’t shut up. I lived in London for three years and I went to school with some of the wealthiest people you’d ever meet (plenty of fun stories there). I’m afraid of most scary movies but I love a good rom-com. Man do I love fashion. I have shoes and clothes for days. I invest in stocks yes but I also collect and invest in sports cards. I love to read books and drink wine. Nothing gets me through the weekend like a good educational docuseries. I’m a little bit hipster and a little bit mainstream. I can never choose between the beach or the mountains. And man do I love myself some coffee. Yes, I make my own pour overs at home. Yeah I have a good job but that doesn’t mean I have it all figured out. I love my friends and my family and I’m always counting down till I see them again.
See, you can’t put me in a box and you shouldn’t try.
I hope you see the point here. We make so many quick judgments of people. We assume things without knowing their story. I have stories for days and only once you take the time to talk to me, get to know me, can you truly understand who I am as a human being. It’s so easy for us to label people based on one detail and then decide to spew hate because of that one thing. Is that really the world we want to live in? I know it’s not the one that I want. I envision a world where everyone is seen, heard, and loved. For so long I didn’t feel these things and sometimes still I don’t, but my mission is to make sure everyone one day does.
All people really want is to be understood by others. We all want to be known and cared for. That can only start with getting to know one another. Withholding judgement and labels and just having a conversation. The world is full of such unique people. That’s such a beautiful thing. It’s okay that you don’t know everything about me. And it’s okay that I don’t know everything about you. But what we can do is sit down and start a dialogue. We can listen and learn about other people’s thoughts, experiences, and stories.
This is the only way that we can fix everything that has gone wrong this year. We have gotten to a point where no one talks to each other anymore. We point fingers, we judge, we label, and we criticize. Is it too much to ask to have a conversation? To ask questions instead of assuming ill intent. To love one another unconditionally because at the end of the day, we’re all in this together.
I understand that life can be hard. People can be difficult to deal with. All I know for sure though is that we are better than the way we’ve acted this year. I have to continue to believe that. I believe in people. This year may be a setback but I know we are on the right path. Always remember that even the simplest conversation is progress.